There's always a first time and no matter how hard you cling to your need for your baby, some time or the other, you are going to have to face a situation where you have to leave her behind and go out on your own without her.
The first time that happened, I couldn't think straight. I just wanted to get straight back to her, FAST. Everyone who was responsible for my having to be out without her was roundly scolded in my mind. Everyone who caused any delays in my finishing my work and getting back to her also received unspoken bad vibes from me. I hated them all and their inefficiency and whatever else it was that was causing them to delay me.
Now when I go out, I feel relieved for a little while, but very soon (in about 10 minutes or so) I find myself wondering about what she'd be doing and whether she knows I'm not around, whether she's had something to eat and whether she's missing me at all!
Luckily for me, I have so far only had to leave her with my Mom so I haven't had worries about whether she is receiving appropriate care. I shudder to think of the mental travails of Moms who have to leave their babies with relative strangers!
Showing posts with label Mother's emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mother's emotions. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
My Parents are Ageing. Help!
Suddenly, after Srushtee's birth, I seem to have become acutely aware of the fact that my parents are ageing.
My parents had kids pretty late, so my Mum is due to retire from her job in March '07. She has Osteoarthritis. Sometimes, she complains of leg pain, my Dad has varicose veins and also has leg pain. They also feel out of sorts for various reasons with increasing frequency.
When Srushtee is around, they will insist on carrying her and cuddling her and pampering her, but nowadays, they also tire quickly and need to frequently hand her back to me so they can take a breather.
It is unsettling. It is not a nice idea to think they are growing old. Somwhere in my mind was a firm belief that they will always be there for me when I need them. This is a belief that has been reinforced many times over during my life and especially after I got married.
Suddenly now, this belief seems to be developing microscopic fissures.
I suppose all of us know that someday our parents will need us to take care of them instead of the other way around.
I also feel that whenever that day comes, I want to be able to take such good care of them, that they feel luxuriously comfortable and feel proud of me.
All the same, I still feel like running away from that eventuality forever.
How's that for an example of emotions and rationale being at cross purposes?
My parents had kids pretty late, so my Mum is due to retire from her job in March '07. She has Osteoarthritis. Sometimes, she complains of leg pain, my Dad has varicose veins and also has leg pain. They also feel out of sorts for various reasons with increasing frequency.
When Srushtee is around, they will insist on carrying her and cuddling her and pampering her, but nowadays, they also tire quickly and need to frequently hand her back to me so they can take a breather.
It is unsettling. It is not a nice idea to think they are growing old. Somwhere in my mind was a firm belief that they will always be there for me when I need them. This is a belief that has been reinforced many times over during my life and especially after I got married.
Suddenly now, this belief seems to be developing microscopic fissures.
I suppose all of us know that someday our parents will need us to take care of them instead of the other way around.
I also feel that whenever that day comes, I want to be able to take such good care of them, that they feel luxuriously comfortable and feel proud of me.
All the same, I still feel like running away from that eventuality forever.
How's that for an example of emotions and rationale being at cross purposes?
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Striking a balance?
Well,
Srushtee's First Birthday is done. She's walking around. She's eating outside food.
All the people around me - My in-laws, my parents, my sister and my husband have settled into a daily routine that pretty much resembles what they had before Srushtee happened.
I get into work 5 days a week. I have Srushtee with me in the office in the mornings, and in the afternoon, I am supposed to leave her with my Mum and come in to get some serious work done.
I can't.
I am unable to bring myself to leave her. I have a whole lot of excuses - Srushtee wasn't feeling well, my Mum needs her afternoon rest, there isn't anything that I can't do the next morning ... - but that is just what they are:Excuses.
If I am very honest with myself,
I think I'm feeling subconsciously guilty at having to leave her in someone else's care. Am I palming off my responsibilities on someone else?
Will she develop some deep rooted insecurties which will surface as psychological quirks in later life?
Am I insisting on working for the purely selfish and egotistical motive of not having to ask my husband for money?
Should I be giving up my job completely and devoting my entire time to her? Am I just afraid of not having a "Job"?
I have yet to sort these issues out for myself.
In the meantime, I have this feeling that I am going nowhere, that I am running hard to just stay in the same place.
I know that Srushtee will grow up eventually and probably will not want me around in some phases of her life, but unitl then what balance can I strike in my own life?
Srushtee's First Birthday is done. She's walking around. She's eating outside food.
All the people around me - My in-laws, my parents, my sister and my husband have settled into a daily routine that pretty much resembles what they had before Srushtee happened.
I get into work 5 days a week. I have Srushtee with me in the office in the mornings, and in the afternoon, I am supposed to leave her with my Mum and come in to get some serious work done.
I can't.
I am unable to bring myself to leave her. I have a whole lot of excuses - Srushtee wasn't feeling well, my Mum needs her afternoon rest, there isn't anything that I can't do the next morning ... - but that is just what they are:Excuses.
If I am very honest with myself,
I think I'm feeling subconsciously guilty at having to leave her in someone else's care. Am I palming off my responsibilities on someone else?
Will she develop some deep rooted insecurties which will surface as psychological quirks in later life?
Am I insisting on working for the purely selfish and egotistical motive of not having to ask my husband for money?
Should I be giving up my job completely and devoting my entire time to her? Am I just afraid of not having a "Job"?
I have yet to sort these issues out for myself.
In the meantime, I have this feeling that I am going nowhere, that I am running hard to just stay in the same place.
I know that Srushtee will grow up eventually and probably will not want me around in some phases of her life, but unitl then what balance can I strike in my own life?
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