I Feel...

When my baby was born, the first few days were a blur. I was in a trance of sorts, maybe because I'd had a Cesarean and maybe not.

I was just emotionally drained and not retaining much. I was experiencing what was going on around me only vaguely and my memories of the time are of the same intensity as of a movie watched while walking in and out of the room doing other things. Some bits do stand out clearer than the others, but that's that.

Slowly, I started beginning to be more conscious and one of the first things that happened was that I was horrified with my body. I had lost the lovely curve of pregnancy and was just loose and floppy and lumpy now. Added to that I had this really ugly scar from my surgery.

I got so dejected that I hated looking at myself in the mirror or even when I bathed. I wore clothes without being conscious of what I was wearing but being painfully aware that I was shabby. Added to this, my baby would urinate and my clothes would have urine on them. I was down enough to feel low about this and stay in the same clothes anyway and feel more miserable.

Slowly, as my energy levels came up, I started making a more conscious effort to change my clothes more often. Slowly I even started taking an interest in what I was picking out to wear. Eventually, I regained enough control of myself to make that all-important trip to the physio therapist and with her exercises, I lost weight. I started gathering up courage and trying on my pre-pregnancy clothes. When one by one, they started to fit again, I was overjoyed!

I wish I could say that from then on things were great. The truth is a little more time consuming. I slowly began picking up the strings of my existence and turning them slowly into a semblance of my life.

Even today, when my baby is 15 months old, I'm trying hard to get to where I want to be as opposed to where I am, but the BIG thing is that I have accepted certain things that help me feel better about myself.
1. I do not control everything.
2. I can decide what I want my life to be like.
3. I can adjust this picture and my perspectives depending on what I can and cannot control.
4. Sometimes, the only thing you can do, is to give yourself up to your faith in God or whatever else you believe in and accept the outcome.
5. Stress relieving techniques that suit you are worth finding.
6. There's nothing like taking some time out whenever you can to just be with yourself doing something exclusively for you - not your husband or your baby - just you.
7. When you feel you are ready for it, take time to be away from your baby. Start with small gaps so you don't feel guilty and then build up.
8. Pay attention to what you wear and how you look. It helps you to feel better about yourself.
9. Money worries never go away. Learn how best to live with them. Develop your own coping mechanism.

Hope this helps all of you who are feeling the same way to realize that things will get better and soon!